Dating Q&A

How to handle the “I’m submissive” question

“I started talking with this guy online and he says he likes to be submissive and have the woman take control. I’m not totally out the door because of that, but I want to know what exactly he means. Like, how far does he take this? Can I ask him to explain further?”  Tina in Oakville, Ontario


Tina, you can definitely ask this guy to clarify what he means, because it could impact if you want to continue talking to him and even meeting him. Why waste valuable time going any further, yours and his, if his answer is something you aren’t comfortable with or into?

BDSM is a thing for lots of people, and it can be fun and exciting, but you have to be comfortable with it. When someone says they are submissive I think you are definitely okay asking for clarification, because who knows how far he takes this into every day life. You should know. 

I had a similar situation happen to me. Guy said he was submissive and wanted a woman who took control. I thought about this and the next day asked him what he meant. Did he mean in every area of his life? Could he make decisions or did he prefer the woman make them all? Would he make any moves and initiate at all?

He answered the questions and clarified a bit, but I could tell he had gone cold. I don’t know why because open communication is important and he was the one who dropped the “I’m submissive” thing in the first place, in the first thirty minutes of our talking.

He then messaged me and said he may not be the guy for me. I said okay, he was judging a bit fast maybe, but thanks anyway and nice talking. His reply? “Go fuck yourself.”

Huh? He’s 28 and his age showed right there that minute. Dodged an asshole bullet I think. 

Anyway, if someone offers this information up, I think you have every right to ask questions if you need to, and he can tell you to fuck off or be a proper human and engage in decent, open communication with you, because even a purely sexual relationship needs good communication between both parties.


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