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First Dates Gone…Who the Fuck Knows!

First dates/meets can be awkward, especially if the person sitting in front of you is not what you expected. Online dating is basically blind dating because there is only so much you can tell from a picture and some text messages, and that random phone call if the guy you’ve matched with actually believes in using the phone.

I went on a date recently with a guy I’d been messaging with for a few weeks. It should never really go that long before the first meet, it’s like one of my first rules in online dating, but life being what it is sometimes meeting sooner is just not possible. I wasn’t 100% sure if this guy was someone I’d be attracted to, but he was intelligent and he knew how to make conversation and there were enough yes points to make me stay with it and see it through to the meet.

Well, it was one of those rare situations where I was delighted and he turned out to be better than I had anticipated. He was tall, good looking, had a great smile… the date lasted three hours and that was three hours of constant laughing and conversation. No breaks. That’s SUPPOSED to be a major check mark in favour of the situation on any first date. We parted ways after the date, no hug or kiss goodnight though. Hm. Not a good sign.

Then when I got home I broke one of the dating “rules” and texted him first. So many experts say not to text a guy first, let him approach you if he wants to message. If he doesn’t message within 48 hours then it’s a no go.

Screw it, I thought. I had a great time and really enjoyed his company and wanted to make sure he knew that. So I did. And the smile I’d been wearing all the way home quickly left my face with a “Well, fuck” when I received his response one minute later: “It was fun. Have a great trip out west.”

Oh. no. Not the “It was fun” line. That is always the line of death for any future interactions with a man you just had a date with. They say this to be polite and to nicely extract themselves from the situation.

So I’m left here confused because all the “signals” seemed to be on track to a good first date with chance of a second. Oh, wait. I also thought this because he said “let’s do this again and I’ll take you out and we’ll hang out.”

As a person on planet earth, how am I not to think that means the date went well and he wants to see me again?

Manspeak is frustrating. Men OFTEN will say “let’s do this again” when they don’t mean it. So really, we have no way of gauging how a date went by how a man acts or by what he says. Which is fucked up. All we can do is wait that 48 hours to see if he messages again because that is the only indication of true interest we will get.

I wish people could be more honest and upfront. Seriously, if you don’t want to do this again don’t fucking say you do. If I don’t want to see YOU again I’m sure as hell not going to say I do.

Book Release, Dating Dos and Don'ts

Life’s little hiccups….

When in life have things gone as planned?

I don’t know about you, but not very often for me. Not my relationships (or marriage), expected birthing dates, careers, and as it turns out, even book release dates.

Through the “magic” of technology and “glitches,” my book will now be available for ordering next week rather than January 30. My publicist, when she gets my email in a  few hours, will be less than thrilled with this setback, change of plans…call it what you will.

Release dates are important because in publishing we work up to that date and try to garner attention and interest so that ON release date people flood Amazon and buy your book. Because release day sales are what impact sales rankings. It’s all a game. Meh. I don’t play games, not in dating or any other aspect of life. Even book releases.

It all can be stressful. If you let it.

I’m not worried. I’m not stressed. It is what it is and what will happen will happen.

I wrote this book for single women so they could navigate online dating with a heads-up before getting ambushed by the manmines like I did.

So the book is out in a  few days, 3-5 days to be exact lol. I hope it helps you out in your journey back into dating. As always, send questions if you have them! I’ll answer honestly right here on this blog.

xoxoxo

Feature

The Ugly Side of Men and Online Dating

I’ve been bullied before, I know how this goes. Sad but true. 

I don’t want to scare you off from online dating, but this needs to be said.

I recently deleted a guy from Tinder because he asked me for pics I wasn’t comfortable sending and then after I didn’t reply to that he sent another message asking if I liked to suck big hard dicks. I deleted him after that message because I don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour and it’s not the conversation I choose to have. I’m looking for something real.

He obviously found me through Instagram that I had connected to Tinder to show potential matches a bit about myself. BAD IDEA, girls. It allows the unhinged and nasty men know who you are if you delete them or don’t behave how they think you should.

He left this message for me on my blog after I deleted him. I never said an unkind word to him, just deleted him when I realized we had different ideas about what we wanted from online dating. This is a direct copy and paste. I cannot make this up.

“aletha you obese UGLY FACE disgusting sad cunt, you wish you looked like this girl on your website, sad pathetic loser still single and will be forever no sane man will ever gf you fat obese ugly cow, feel sorry for your ex and father of ur son who im sure u scammed into having a child ugly bitch”

So…online dating yay or nay?

Yay because this is only the second time a man has been this volatile and nasty to me. I’m a bit shaken up. It’s actually shocking, his message. Some men can’t handle rejection, and Sam is one of those men. I dodged a bullet and his true colours have definitely surfaced.

Online dating works, but you have to be careful. I made the mistake of linking up my Instagram, which could lead to me… and did. And on Instagram I had my blog website listed. I have deleted that for now from Instagram.

We live in a world where we have the opportunity to connect with many people, and that’s exciting, but that opportunity is often abused by others, like Sam. Having a book come out like the one I wrote puts me in a vulnerable position and I am keenly aware of this.

And I’m nervous.

I am fully expecting the trolls to come out and say I’m fat and ugly (because trolls are like that) and haven’t found a man yet because of all that blah blah  blah.

I haven’t “found” a man yet because I haven’t been ready for that up until now, not truly. I’ve been busy achieving my goals and being with an important person–me. Someone I lost along the way in marriage and kids and all the bullshit domesticated “bliss” comes with.

My worth and value as a fucking human being has nothing to do with who I choose to sleep with, date, or love. But our society still puts that on us. 

People will slag my book, my experiences, my idea for the book, how I look, what I say…all of it. I know this, because people are sometimes ugly inside and want to demean others for fun. I’ve been bullied before, I know how this goes.

But will it stop me or make me feel bad about myself?

No.

You can’t touch me, you can’t get in here. Not Sam or any of the other men like him who feel it’s okay to do what he just did to me because his fragile male ego is bruised from my deleting him.

I’m just sorry you feel that this is the way to treat people. That makes me endlessly sad.

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Kissing Strangers: How to Online Date Like a Boss

Exciting news!

My book (the digital file for now) is up for pre-orders on Amazon!

I spent two years writing and polishing this guide. It’s a passion project if there ever was one. Here’s the buy link: https://tinyurl.com/y925drc3

This guide will help you navigate the strange world of online dating…I promise!

Thank you in advance for your support!

Alethea xoxoxoxo

Dating Q&A, Feature

Is Online Dating Worth It?

I’m a busy woman with a career. Divorced a few years ago. I know people who have gone online to find dates, but I’m just not sure it’s worth the trouble.Lina from Boston

I find it surprising to hear women still say this and ask themselves this very question. But I know the stats so I guess that’s the difference. 1 in 3 people meet online today and that number is growing by the year. The other 2/3 meet at work or church (or some other place of religious congregation), and through networking via friends and family.

If you don’t have a huge circle and don’t go to church, then really the chances of you meeting someone are very slim if you don’t go online.

Being online doesn’t take that much work beyond setting up a profile and that might take thirty minutes tops, longer I suppose if writing your profile is hard for you. But you can hire a professional writer such as myself to do that.

As a woman, the costs are minimal and often free because there are more women to men ratio. You could decide to spend as much time as you want online. Message with only those men who are clear matches.

Honestly, if you can’t invest a couple hours a week on your love life, if that’s something you truly want to have, then I don’t know what to tell you. He’s not going to show up at your door, that much I do know.

You need to be PROACTIVE not PASSIVE. So run that risk of being alone if you want or saddle up and join the online dating world. I don’t see there as being much of a choice today.

Not being online is a mistake if you are truly looking to meet a man. It’s how people meet today, and if you aren’t participating you’ve literally taken yourself out of the game before it’s even started.

Image credit: jean-philippe-delberghe-324898-unsplash
Dating FYI, Feature

Where Is Everybody? 1 in 3 People Meet Online Today

Meeting someone in real life today is incredibly difficult. Why? Because we are all on our phones, behind one screen or another, which has made it difficult for people to meet the old fashioned way – in person, in real life.

I asked a matchmaker this question and she agrees.* I’d love for a guy to come up to me and hand me his number saying we should go for coffee sometime, but apparently this likely won’t ever happen, according to  my expert.

Why? Because men are afraid we will think they are stalking us, pervy, or creeps. And I guess to some extent this might be true. Which is kind of sad because online dating has its pitfalls, to be sure, and makes it hard to determine if you would like to go on a date or meet up with someone.

If you meet a man or woman in person say at a coffee shop or the grocery store, you know instantly if there’s chemistry or a desire to at least sit down and see if there’s chemistry. When it’s just a face on a screen with a picture that could very well be five years old, it’s almost impossible to know if you will click with this person. So a lot more trial and error and EFFORT happens when meeting people online.

Remember, 1 in 3 people meet online now, with that number increasing to 1 in 2 within the next decade. If you aren’t online, you’re missing out on meeting someone.

Yes, still try to meet people through activities and in real life. Network at church or whatever religious place of worship you visit, and through connections with friends and family (the top two ways people meet their future mates, followed by online), but if you don’t attend a place of worship and have a limited network, then you need to go online.

If all else fails, try sitting at a bar and having a drink somewhere like another dating expert suggests as the best way to meet someone. I don’t think it works, but give it a go. And report back if it does!

Image credit: rosie-kerr-395321-unsplash
Dating Q&A

When He Deletes His Profile Before You Exchange Numbers…

online-dating

I met someone on Plenty Of Fish. We got along well and the conversation was good. We clicked right away because we work in the same field, which gave us lots to talk about. The attraction was there, online at least. We made plans to meet on Friday evening to go for a walk. Today he deleted his account and we never exchanged contact information. What gives? Janis from Toronto

Janis, this is a case of men behaving badly, though I’ve heard that women do this too.

So why did he do it? Because he isn’t really interested in meeting up with anyone. He was online to chat and get some matches, kill some time. His expectations were very different  than yours when he signed up.

He wasn’t there to find someone to actually date like you probably are. He was there to pass the time. And when it got too real, like actually meeting, he bailed and deleted his entire account.

I’ve had guys do that then a week later they are back in my swipe feed. It’s a pattern for these guys. And these are the guys you don’t want to date anyway. I know it feels unfortunate right now, but it’s a blessing in disguise.

Weed out the guys now who aren’t here for real so you can focus your time and energy on the guys who actually do want to meet you, get to know you, and–oh my god!– maybe even date.

The D word has become what the R word once was, and few men actually want to date for real these days. Just move on and keep swiping! xoxo