Dating FYI, Feature

He’s Just Not That Into You…

Dating is hard. It’s not fun a lot of the time. It’s a time suck. Seems like a waste of time some days … and I know so many women who have told me they’ve simply given up and don’t bother going online anymore because the experience is so awful. They aren’t wrong.

I’ll be the first to admit it, but it’s necessary if we want to find someone. But why does it have to be so damn hard?

And then when you get close to finding someone you might mesh with they prove themselves unworthy by doing or saying something really … offensive, dismissive, rude, obnoxious (fill in your own word).

Sometimes even if he seems interested, says he is, says nice things… he’s actually just not that into you. And this is the worst sort of guy. The guy who feels lukewarm about you, but makes you think it could be more because he’s keeping you on the back burner, where he can keep you simmering until he finds something “better” in his mind. So you’re the back up. Girl, you are nobody’s back-up plan.

So he pops in every once in a while to keep you tethered, loosely though, because remember he wants to be able to disconnect the moment he levels up (in his mind). This guy should be removed from your life immediately. You don’t need that shit. I don’t need that.

We deserve a man who knows what he wants and goes after it (you, me). A man who makes his intentions known and is clear about it. A man who shows up regularly and is consistent with his messages as to his level of interest. A man who is consistent is gold. 

So if you have a guy hanging around, showing up every now and then, minimally replying to your texts three, four, seven days later, you have a guy who is just not that into you and you deserve better than that.

A man who is interested, who IS into you, will pursue you and be around because he doesn’t want to let the beauty that is you go. He knows your worth and sees value in who you are and wants to be part of that in some way. A man who is interested does not take days to reply to a message.

Dr. Blumberg explains in this Mirror article why some people take ages to text back, while others are keen, and why some play games. https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/sex-relationships/relationships/you-longer-takes-someone-reply-8617498.

Bottom line: If he’s into you he will make sure you know and won’t keep you guessing. He will show up. If he’s not really that into you, he won’t message and be available, or like the example above, he’ll keep you tethered until something he feels is better comes along, and then at *that* point he will cut you loose. Kick this guy to the curb. And then walk over that debris to get to the man who will appreciate everything you have to offer.

Find a man who is into you and give him your attention not these others.

 

 

Dating FYI, Feature

The Third Date & What It Means…

Men are confusing, I’ll give you that. I shake my head all the time wondering wtf just happened.

But this is simple: the three-stage dating rule and the assumptions you can make based on behaviour.

Dating is a way for us to get to know someone and decide if we want to spend more time with this person. It’s like interviewing for the role of mate, whatever version of that rings true for you.

Date #1: This determines if the person is hygienic, a weird/psycho, properly socialized, polite, and generally tells us firsthand info about the person in front of us. If a man likes what he sees, he will ask for date #2 right out of the gate. But if he uses the word “should” as in “We should do this again” then, my friend, date #2 will likely not happen. That is passive language. Men go after what they want, though I am finding men today are rather beta and passive (across all ages), and want women to do much of the pursuing and legwork, which is causing a lot of crossed/mixed wires (at least for me!), and making books like The Rules even more inaccurate.

Date #2: If you actually get to date #2, bravo. It means the interview session went well and you both liked what you saw. So this date is to confirm what you thought on date #1 and to gather more information, because we all know guards come down incrementally and their “real” personality–not the one we put on with first encounters–will come through more.

Date #3: Way to go! A third date means you are both pleased with what you see and hear and are really interested. It usually means you’re on the way to exclusivity on some level and are properly dating now.

So if you get a third date, know it means something and is a very, very positive sign.

Dating FYI, Feature

Where Is Everybody? 1 in 3 People Meet Online Today

Meeting someone in real life today is incredibly difficult. Why? Because we are all on our phones, behind one screen or another, which has made it difficult for people to meet the old fashioned way – in person, in real life.

I asked a matchmaker this question and she agrees.* I’d love for a guy to come up to me and hand me his number saying we should go for coffee sometime, but apparently this likely won’t ever happen, according to  my expert.

Why? Because men are afraid we will think they are stalking us, pervy, or creeps. And I guess to some extent this might be true. Which is kind of sad because online dating has its pitfalls, to be sure, and makes it hard to determine if you would like to go on a date or meet up with someone.

If you meet a man or woman in person say at a coffee shop or the grocery store, you know instantly if there’s chemistry or a desire to at least sit down and see if there’s chemistry. When it’s just a face on a screen with a picture that could very well be five years old, it’s almost impossible to know if you will click with this person. So a lot more trial and error and EFFORT happens when meeting people online.

Remember, 1 in 3 people meet online now, with that number increasing to 1 in 2 within the next decade. If you aren’t online, you’re missing out on meeting someone.

Yes, still try to meet people through activities and in real life. Network at church or whatever religious place of worship you visit, and through connections with friends and family (the top two ways people meet their future mates, followed by online), but if you don’t attend a place of worship and have a limited network, then you need to go online.

If all else fails, try sitting at a bar and having a drink somewhere like another dating expert suggests as the best way to meet someone. I don’t think it works, but give it a go. And report back if it does!

Image credit: rosie-kerr-395321-unsplash
Dating FYI, Feature

Catfishing: It’s real

Finding love online comes with risks.

But you probably already know this. I damn well hope so anyway. If not, consider yourself warned.

If you haven’t tried online dating yet or are rather new to it, then you won’t be thinking that you have to watch out for the fakes and cons and scam artists. But you very much do have to.

Not everyone is who they appear to be online. I feel silly for even typing that out because I think it would be common knowledge. But it isn’t. They made a show based on people’s naivety and Dr. Phil *still* has women going on his show thinking they’ve found love and a loved one wrote in to Phil begging him to help their family member see the truth about the “love of their life.” It’s sad. And these women lose tens of thousands of dollars because they didn’t stop to think for a minute.

I have swiped on quite a few catfishers in my almost two years online. Nobody got the better of me though because I literally read every website and article I could on this once I got wind of what was going on. I armed myself with knowledge and you should too.

I talk a lot about this in my upcoming book, so I’ll keep this short here.

If a guy seems too good to be real, he is 99.9% of the time.

If he asks for money and starts calling you baby and love almost right away, he’s likely a scammer from Nigeria (where a large portion of these scams take place).

If he says he’s in the military and can’t get away yet unless you help him with funds for a variety of reasons, he’s likely a scammer. Military romance scams are the fastest growing and largest online dating romance scam going on. Read this website for how to protect yourself: http://www.cid.army.mil/romancescam.html 

No guy will start professing his love for you and tell you he wants a soulmate and wants to marry you within a few weeks of getting to know you. Think about it: Men don’t talk or act like that!! We can barely get them to agree to go on a friggin’ date lol or be monogamous. That’s a typical guy, not the guy saying he wants the heart of his heart and love of his love … within a week.

These scammers play on your heart strings. They KNOW you are lonely and want love and will likely pay to keep it. So he gives a sob story about needing money in hopes your love for him is strong enough to have you send it to him. DO NOT.

Run his image through a Google image search or https://tineye.com  to see if his image pops up elsewhere online. If no matches come up, MAYBE this guy is for real. Maybe. Dig around. Check Facebook, verify facts he gives you. If he’s vague, beware.

No matter what, don’t send these guys a fucking dime.

Check out www.scambusters.org and www.datingbusters.com and http://www.yourittoday.com/scammers.php to read stories and see if the guy you’re dealing with sounds familiar in these other women’s stories. You will fast learn what their MO is and how they operate and then use your head, not your heart, to determine if you’re being catfished or not.

 

 

Dating FYI, Feature

When He Still Has An Active Profile…

So you’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, months now, and you find out he still has an active profile on his dating site (or sites). You don’t know how to feel about this, but you do know you’re angry and confused, and wondering how serious he is about you after all.

There are two responses to this and they are based on your level of commitment to each other.

You are in an actual relationship and have had the exclusivity talk. 

If this is the case, then you have a right to be upset and confused because this guy, your boyfriend, has committed to an exclusive relationship with you and you only. Unless you discussed being in an open relationship, you are totally correct in assuming you’d be the only one he focuses on. So finding out he’s still online chatting with other women is upsetting and I’d be pissed off too.

What do you do? Well, this is where it gets tricky. How did you find out about him being online and chatting with other women? Were you snooping and spying on him? If so, you are totally screwed because by confronting him about his online infidelity you are admitting to having had trust issues from the get-go

(with reason too it seems) and this is going to upset him. No one likes being tracked and spied on.

So you need to bring the topic up casually. “Hey, have you closed all your online dating accounts? I did that last week when realized I had one still open. I’m sure you have. I just wanted you to know I’m not online anymore.” That kind of thing is what you say. Then see how he responds. Does he say, oh yeah I’m off or good point I should. Maybe he will actually say he’s still online. If he lies to your face and says he isn’t, then you now have two red flags with this guy: he’s still seeing other women (or at least talking to them) while in a relationship with you and he just lied to you straight up. You might want to reconsider being with this guy.

You could fess up and say you know he’s still online and see how that goes.

You could wait it out a few months then ask him again and then just tell him you know damn well he still is.

Either way, this guy is not commitment ready and you should know this going in. Stick around if you want, but he’s not all that into you and is just biding his time till he finds someone that suits him better. Why else would he still be online? He’s pursuing, other women, that aren’t you.

You are not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. 

This answer is easy and short: he owes you nothing and he can totally still be online chatting and meeting other women. Unless you have had some kind of conversation that squarely places you as the only one he is seeing and he says so clearly, then it’s fair game. For you too!!

Keep dating other men. Don’t quit once you find someone you are seeing casually. You are allowed to date a few guys at once. They did it in the 50s so I think we can damn well do it today lol. How else will you know what you like, want, need?

Until a conversation is had regarding exclusivity, it’s fair game for both sides. He isn’t doing anything wrong being online while dating you.

 

Dating FYI

Dating Fatigue

Dating fatigue?

Huh?

It’s a real thing. Dating can be exhausting, and it is exhausting. When you date regularly, and are constantly messaging and meeting with men, it gets tiring after a while because a lot of the time it leads nowhere, or the conversations are mundane or pervy, and you’re getting all dressed up to meet for coffee or drinks only to discover there is zero chemistry and you kinda would have preferred to stay home in your PJs watching Netflix alone.

Don’t get me wrong. There are times you will meet with someone and it’s a nice hour of chatting and being out, but you know it won’t go anywhere because there’s just nothing there to pursue anything more. Dating is a great way to meet new people, socialize, get out there…but, really, at the end of it all we date to mate, on whatever level we want (sex, love, marriage etc.).

Even men get dating fatigue and take themselves off the market for a bit. And so should you if you just feel like it’s a chore after a while. Dating should be fun. If it is no longer fun and more like work, pull yourself out of the game for a bit.

I know many dating “experts” say not to do this because if you don’t date you won’t mate, but what’s the point if you’re tired and your best won’t be put forward? Who knows, maybe this break is when you’ll meet someone while grocery shopping or standing in line at the pharmacy. Like those couples who get pregnant a month after trying so hard for years. All I know is if you aren’t feeling it, stop and take a break until you have your mojo back. Yeah, mojo lol.

You don’t have to delete your profiles; simply stop them from showing up in searches. Easy. Now you can just focus on you for a bit, relax, eat good food, read a book, walk, do yoga, whatever you want all without having to worry about men and dating and when you’ll find the one you click with. It’ll happen. It just might take some time. In the meantime, focus on you. You’re awesome company, so take a minute to hang with yourself for a bit.

 

 

Dating FYI, Dating Q&A

Ghosting

I’ve been online on a couple of sites for the past six months and I notice this thing where you’re talking with a guy and things seem to be going well and then suddenly he just disappears. What’s up with that? Where did he go? Was it something I said? – Tina from Burnaby, British Columbia

Hey, Tina,

Nope. Not you at all. Not one iota. Guys do this all the time. ALL THE TIME. It’s happened to me more times than I can count. Women do it to, to be fair. People do it in general.

Online dating makes it so easy to treat people like objects rather than human beings so guys just drop off earth without a word because they can and because it’s easy…and has no drama attached to it.

I get it, I do, but it doesn’t make it any less rude or kind of hurtful almost. You think things are going well and maybe he was even flirty and super friendly in his last message. So many factors come into play when a guy does this. It’s possible he met someone else, felt you wanted more than he could give so he bailed fast. Maybe he only ever meant to text and never planned on meeting. The only person who knows why is him. I’ve had a few guys ghost on me after we’ve made plans to meet up and go on a date. Date day shows up and radio salience. Guy vanished, never to be heard from again…

But sometimes these guys DO appear again, a month later, maybe two. By then I’ve deleted the text message chain and have no idea who is texting me months later. This just happened to me. Guy was like “Hey babe!” and I’m like “Who is this?” He never answered. Guess his guy feelings were hurt lol. Fact is, he vanished and then showed up months later and I can’t be expected to remember him by his phone number. I barely remember mine sometimes haha.

Forget the ghosters.

Move on to someone who will be respectful of you and your time.

And if he shows up again? Be careful, because he’s already shown himself to you and we should believe people when they show us who they really are.