Dating FYI, Feature

When He Still Has An Active Profile…

So you’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, months now, and you find out he still has an active profile on his dating site (or sites). You don’t know how to feel about this, but you do know you’re angry and confused, and wondering how serious he is about you after all.

There are two responses to this and they are based on your level of commitment to each other.

You are in an actual relationship and have had the exclusivity talk. 

If this is the case, then you have a right to be upset and confused because this guy, your boyfriend, has committed to an exclusive relationship with you and you only. Unless you discussed being in an open relationship, you are totally correct in assuming you’d be the only one he focuses on. So finding out he’s still online chatting with other women is upsetting and I’d be pissed off too.

What do you do? Well, this is where it gets tricky. How did you find out about him being online and chatting with other women? Were you snooping and spying on him? If so, you are totally screwed because by confronting him about his online infidelity you are admitting to having had trust issues from the get-go

(with reason too it seems) and this is going to upset him. No one likes being tracked and spied on.

So you need to bring the topic up casually. “Hey, have you closed all your online dating accounts? I did that last week when realized I had one still open. I’m sure you have. I just wanted you to know I’m not online anymore.” That kind of thing is what you say. Then see how he responds. Does he say, oh yeah I’m off or good point I should. Maybe he will actually say he’s still online. If he lies to your face and says he isn’t, then you now have two red flags with this guy: he’s still seeing other women (or at least talking to them) while in a relationship with you and he just lied to you straight up. You might want to reconsider being with this guy.

You could fess up and say you know he’s still online and see how that goes.

You could wait it out a few months then ask him again and then just tell him you know damn well he still is.

Either way, this guy is not commitment ready and you should know this going in. Stick around if you want, but he’s not all that into you and is just biding his time till he finds someone that suits him better. Why else would he still be online? He’s pursuing, other women, that aren’t you.

You are not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. 

This answer is easy and short: he owes you nothing and he can totally still be online chatting and meeting other women. Unless you have had some kind of conversation that squarely places you as the only one he is seeing and he says so clearly, then it’s fair game. For you too!!

Keep dating other men. Don’t quit once you find someone you are seeing casually. You are allowed to date a few guys at once. They did it in the 50s so I think we can damn well do it today lol. How else will you know what you like, want, need?

Until a conversation is had regarding exclusivity, it’s fair game for both sides. He isn’t doing anything wrong being online while dating you.

 

Dating FYI

Dating Fatigue

Dating fatigue?

Huh?

It’s a real thing. Dating can be exhausting, and it is exhausting. When you date regularly, and are constantly messaging and meeting with men, it gets tiring after a while because a lot of the time it leads nowhere, or the conversations are mundane or pervy, and you’re getting all dressed up to meet for coffee or drinks only to discover there is zero chemistry and you kinda would have preferred to stay home in your PJs watching Netflix alone.

Don’t get me wrong. There are times you will meet with someone and it’s a nice hour of chatting and being out, but you know it won’t go anywhere because there’s just nothing there to pursue anything more. Dating is a great way to meet new people, socialize, get out there…but, really, at the end of it all we date to mate, on whatever level we want (sex, love, marriage etc.).

Even men get dating fatigue and take themselves off the market for a bit. And so should you if you just feel like it’s a chore after a while. Dating should be fun. If it is no longer fun and more like work, pull yourself out of the game for a bit.

I know many dating “experts” say not to do this because if you don’t date you won’t mate, but what’s the point if you’re tired and your best won’t be put forward? Who knows, maybe this break is when you’ll meet someone while grocery shopping or standing in line at the pharmacy. Like those couples who get pregnant a month after trying so hard for years. All I know is if you aren’t feeling it, stop and take a break until you have your mojo back. Yeah, mojo lol.

You don’t have to delete your profiles; simply stop them from showing up in searches. Easy. Now you can just focus on you for a bit, relax, eat good food, read a book, walk, do yoga, whatever you want all without having to worry about men and dating and when you’ll find the one you click with. It’ll happen. It just might take some time. In the meantime, focus on you. You’re awesome company, so take a minute to hang with yourself for a bit.

 

 

Dating FYI, Dating Q&A

Ghosting

I’ve been online on a couple of sites for the past six months and I notice this thing where you’re talking with a guy and things seem to be going well and then suddenly he just disappears. What’s up with that? Where did he go? Was it something I said? – Tina from Burnaby, British Columbia

Hey, Tina,

Nope. Not you at all. Not one iota. Guys do this all the time. ALL THE TIME. It’s happened to me more times than I can count. Women do it to, to be fair. People do it in general.

Online dating makes it so easy to treat people like objects rather than human beings so guys just drop off earth without a word because they can and because it’s easy…and has no drama attached to it.

I get it, I do, but it doesn’t make it any less rude or kind of hurtful almost. You think things are going well and maybe he was even flirty and super friendly in his last message. So many factors come into play when a guy does this. It’s possible he met someone else, felt you wanted more than he could give so he bailed fast. Maybe he only ever meant to text and never planned on meeting. The only person who knows why is him. I’ve had a few guys ghost on me after we’ve made plans to meet up and go on a date. Date day shows up and radio salience. Guy vanished, never to be heard from again…

But sometimes these guys DO appear again, a month later, maybe two. By then I’ve deleted the text message chain and have no idea who is texting me months later. This just happened to me. Guy was like “Hey babe!” and I’m like “Who is this?” He never answered. Guess his guy feelings were hurt lol. Fact is, he vanished and then showed up months later and I can’t be expected to remember him by his phone number. I barely remember mine sometimes haha.

Forget the ghosters.

Move on to someone who will be respectful of you and your time.

And if he shows up again? Be careful, because he’s already shown himself to you and we should believe people when they show us who they really are.

 

 

Dating FYI, Matchmakers

Matchmakers: Yes or no?

Matchmaker, Matchmaker…

Matchmaking is another way to meet men if online dating isn’t your thing or you’ve tired of it. It is definitely a more civilized way of meeting a potential match for a number of reasons:

  • Your matchmaker takes time to get to know you through various methods (in-person meeting, questionnaires) and then hand selects a person for you.
  • The matchmaker will have met both you and a potential match, so some level of screening has taken place.
  • It saves you the time and hassle of weeding through hundreds of men online, and having many pointless conversations just to filter down to the two or three you might want to meet.

I’ve researched local matchmakers and contacted three last November. I went with local boutique type matchmakers and not the huge ones across Canada. I’ve heard from reliable sources that the large matchmaking services (not all) often charge thousands upon thousands of dollars and sometimes get you no picks or just pick any old person for you just to say they got you matches. So I picked local women who had tiny firms. I picked:

Single in the City

I paid the $125.00 initial consultation fee and waited for Laura to call me to set up an initial meeting. The $125 is a one-time fee and then you pay $50 for every date she sets you up on. Seems reasonable. That $125 includes a $50 credit towards any event she throws.

It took her four days to get back to me. She seems a little stiff on the phone and wouldn’t  meet anywhere but downtown or in Oakville. All three matchmakers actually only would meet downtown. So if you don’t live in Toronto you are SOL where matchmakers are concerned, unless you travel to them, and live within the GTA (mostly). This is an open market as far as matchmakers go. Maybe I’ll start up my own boutique lol

So we met and Laura was the sweetest, friendliest woman. Warm and intelligent, and easy to talk to. We chatted for two hours, and most of that time had nothing to do with men or matchmaking. We just hit it off. She went through my questionnaire, took some pics, and then said if she found anyone in her database she would let me know.

It has been six months! No matches. Well, one, but that 55-year-old declined meeting me. I wasn’t exactly hot-shit keen on meeting him because he’s as old as Moses as far as I’m concerned, but I was willing to try. I guess 42 isn’t young enough for him. Surprises me not.

Shanny in the City

I actually interviewed Shanny for my book months before I reached out to her about matchmaking services. She doesn’t recall that I did. I am predicting her fees will be high, like four to five to ten thousand dollars, so I am actually hesitant with going through with this because how awkward to say I can’t afford you even though I *know* she’d find me a man no problem. I just sense that about her.

The first meeting is $125 as well, but I had to cancel. One, she scared me, and two,  for the money she will charge, I don’t think I am ready. And … I don’t currently have the money she will charge, but paying it might be in my best interest to find a professional, attractive man with a good job and money. I will use her if all else fails. My last ditch effort as it were.

Friend of a Friend Matchmaking

This one I thought I might not hear back from because they even say on the application page that if you don’t get selected you won’t hear back. It’s based on your location (HAVE to be in Toronto) and what you write. I begged for them to pick me and said it’d be no problem getting into the city. But I did get in. Yay!

I got a code to enter a website where I paid my $427.00 (I know, kinda pricey), but if you consider how much online dating sites cost (the paid ones like Match, eHarmony, Zoosk, and even Plenty of Fish if you upgrade for $20/month) this isn’t that extravagant at all for a year. I paid and then got to download a terms and agreements page and then the 30+ questionnaire they needed me to fill in so they can match me with the love of my life.

(I am skeptical, gotta admit, but best to have all hands on deck with this one, especially since I don’t have family here to hook me up with someone, many friends here to hook me up with someone, and work from home. And I go to Pilates which has one man in the whole group. The gym you say? Please. I’m sweaty and gross when I go. And I wear sweats and old T-shirts a lot of the time so nobody is going to check me out. And who has ever gotten a date from the gym? Yes, Miranda on Sex in the City did. But not in my world that doesn’t happen…not yet anyway.)

I met my matchmaker January 3 in a coffee shop and they asked me a whole bunch of questions. It lasted 45 minutes and I was on my way. So matchmaker, matchmaker…make me a match. But it hasn’t happened yet! Not one hit from them. Am I that unmatchable? lol

Matchmaking does work, I’ve seen it work. It just hasn’t worked for me.

Boutique agencies are the way to go in my opinion, because they often are more affordable, and more legitimate. Read the terms and do your homework. If you live in Toronto, any of those three firms (or all!) will be great for you. Wonderful women who just want to help you find the perfect match.

 

 

Dating FYI

It’s Confusing Out There!

Dating today is complicated, like really complicated. Even down to the phrases and terms we use.

I didn’t know any of this when I started, so I’ve been bumbling my way around and have learned everything the hard way.

One of these crazy terms is Netflix and Chill. Maybe you know what it means, but I certainly didn’t. In the first few months online, men would use this term with me and I literally believed it to mean watching Netflix on a couch and chilling, hanging out. Aww. Sounds really sweet and cozy. One would presume it means, “Hey, let’s watch some Netflix and chill and cuddle and get to know each other.”

This is not the case. Its real meaning is, “Hey, let’s have sex while Netflix flickers in the background.”

AKA booty call.

Beware the Netflix and Chill. I’d be so pissed to show up at some guy’s house and end up not watching Netflix. If this is what you want, now you know what to ask for.

Another term to know is ghosting.

Ah, ghosting. It is awful to experience and men love to do this. It applies equally to those you have only messaged with, whether it be three hours, days, or weeks, as it does to those men you have met and even dated a few times.

Ghosting is when the guy simply disappears, vaporizes, is no longer around. Vanished, like a ghost. You might literally be in the middle of having a great conversation with a guy and then there’s no reply for a day, then three, then a week…girl, he’s ghosted on you if this happens.

For whatever reason only known to him, he has determined that this thing between you two isn’t working out. Why? Lots of possible reasons:

  • He thinks you will move too fast.
  • He only ever wanted a temporary texting buddy.
  • He realizes you aren’t going to give him what he wants.
  • He met someone else.
  • He got bored.
  • He never had any intention of meeting you.

You will never know, and, frankly, he doesn’t owe you an explanation. It does seem rude and cold, but what are we supposed to do otherwise with someone we have only known for a short time? It makes dating and people disposable and that’s the part I hate.

This is dating today. You meet a lot of new people and most of them end up ghosting and you never hear from them again. Sometimes they reappear and you can decide for yourself if you want to re-engage or just ignore them. But whatever you do, do not ask the ghoster why he ghosted. Do not send four or even one message asking if you did something wrong.

Let it go.

Your “closure” comes in his non-response. Move on to someone else who will see your worth and want to pursue you. That’s it. Don’t take it personally, though it feels very personal. It isn’t. This is how it is done today, like it or not.

I didn’t make the rules. I am simply sharing them with you.