Dating Q&A, Feature

Is Online Dating Worth It?

I’m a busy woman with a career. Divorced a few years ago. I know people who have gone online to find dates, but I’m just not sure it’s worth the trouble.Lina from Boston

I find it surprising to hear women still say this and ask themselves this very question. But I know the stats so I guess that’s the difference. 1 in 3 people meet online today and that number is growing by the year. The other 2/3 meet at work or church (or some other place of religious congregation), and through networking via friends and family.

If you don’t have a huge circle and don’t go to church, then really the chances of you meeting someone are very slim if you don’t go online.

Being online doesn’t take that much work beyond setting up a profile and that might take thirty minutes tops, longer I suppose if writing your profile is hard for you. But you can hire a professional writer such as myself to do that.

As a woman, the costs are minimal and often free because there are more women to men ratio. You could decide to spend as much time as you want online. Message with only those men who are clear matches.

Honestly, if you can’t invest a couple hours a week on your love life, if that’s something you truly want to have, then I don’t know what to tell you. He’s not going to show up at your door, that much I do know.

You need to be PROACTIVE not PASSIVE. So run that risk of being alone if you want or saddle up and join the online dating world. I don’t see there as being much of a choice today.

Not being online is a mistake if you are truly looking to meet a man. It’s how people meet today, and if you aren’t participating you’ve literally taken yourself out of the game before it’s even started.

 

Dating Q&A

When He Deletes His Profile Before You Exchange Numbers…

online-dating

I met someone on Plenty Of Fish. We got along well and the conversation was good. We clicked right away because we work in the same field, which gave us lots to talk about. The attraction was there, online at least. We made plans to meet on Friday evening to go for a walk. Today he deleted his account and we never exchanged contact information. What gives? Janis from Toronto

Janis, this is a case of men behaving badly, though I’ve heard that women do this too.

So why did he do it? Because he isn’t really interested in meeting up with anyone. He was online to chat and get some matches, kill some time. His expectations were very different  than yours when he signed up.

He wasn’t there to find someone to actually date like you probably are. He was there to pass the time. And when it got too real, like actually meeting, he bailed and deleted his entire account.

I’ve had guys do that then a week later they are back in my swipe feed. It’s a pattern for these guys. And these are the guys you don’t want to date anyway. I know it feels unfortunate right now, but it’s a blessing in disguise.

Weed out the guys now who aren’t here for real so you can focus your time and energy on the guys who actually do want to meet you, get to know you, and–oh my god!– maybe even date.

The D word has become what the R word once was, and few men actually want to date for real these days. Just move on and keep swiping! xoxo

Dating Q&A

What’s With the Classification Info?

Why do women think guys give a shit about BriggsMeyers classification? Are we supposed to know what those stupid letters mean and think some antiquated/limited test is going to set off some internal sensor? Like…wow…JBTF…what a catch. Maybe if it was BBBJ …now that’s a lady! – Anonymous, from the Beaches (in Toronto)

Hey, Anonymous!

Yes, well this isn’t only peculiar to women. Men also have their Myers-Brigg Type on their profiles. I thought it was suspect and odd myself the first few times I saw it. It even took me a bit to finally realize what in hell they were referring to.

It’s odd to say the least, because imagine in the real world throwing that into conversation when you first meet someone. I’d walk away lol. Weirdo. This stuff is really best saved for job interviews and employment purposes (and even then I don’t agree with it).

But for mating/dating purposes? It’s crackers. And pretentious.

It seems to scream “Look at me! Look what I know!” I agree with you – who gives a fuck. It doesn’t mean this person will be funny, and kind, and sensitive, and good in bed, and emotionally mature, and insert whatever awesome you need from a partner. It just means they fall into a psychological category developed by Katherine Cook Briggs in the early 1900s. It is no predictor of compatibility. Or that she/he won’t ghost or cheat on you.

You need to actually date and get to know the person for who they are to sort all that stuff out.

So why do women and men add this? Because they lack creativity, have nothing much more to say, and figure you can read all about them by knowing their type…and want to show off that they know this psychological stuff that I am to assume is meant to impress you.

Over coffee on a date it’s fun to talk about silly stuff like this, as it is to mention astrological signs, but beyond that it has no merit and won’t help determine anything. I guess it’ll help them match with other Briggs types and perhaps that’s what they want.

 

Dating Q&A

When it just sits there…

I’ve been online for a year now and I’ve noticed a terrible trend among men and was wondering what your thoughts are on this. I spend time getting to know a guy messaging and whatnot and we seem to have a connection and it’s going well. But then two weeks becomes three and then four. Some weeks he’s hot and heavy texting me all the time and another week I may hear from him once, and if I text to start a conversation he might reply with a one line reply  but not move the conversation forward any more than that. I go online to actually meet guys so something can come of it. Aren’t we online to meet people in person? I just don’t see the point of texting endlessly and having it go nowhere. What do I do with these guys? – Martine from Gatineau, Quebec

This made me laugh and then shake my head with a sigh.

Men are very good at doing this, but so are women from what I hear. So people are good at doing this.

Men and women go online for varying reasons, and I have to say that actually dating and meeting people isn’t exactly the top reason they put profiles up on dating sites. From my experience, it seems men like to go online for a number of reasons, and dating is the last. Here’s what I’ve come up with for why men (women? people in general?) go online:

  1. They are bored.
  2. They want to see how many matches they can get.
  3. Their friends made them (for real).
  4. They are lonely, but don’t really want to put the effort into meeting in real life.
  5. They are horny and want to sext to whack off (HUGE reason men go online). It allows them an unemotional, unattached way to get off.
  6. To meet someone to date.

Most men I’ve talked to online end up fading out or ghosting because they are there for some reason between #s 1 and 5, and once they sort out I am there for #6 they vanish.

I had one guy recently tell me he was super busy planning for a trip to another part of Canada and that he’d touch base when he got back. Okayyyy, because they don’t have cell reception in other parts of Canada? The minute I read “touch base” I knew this guy was removing himself from the game. All he did was talk sex anyway, so I must have given off #6 vibes and he removed himself from the equation.

Another time a few months ago a guy and I were chatting for three weeks and it was going really well. Fun, flirty all that good stuff. I told him I didn’t want to sext because it was better to do these things in real life. I was testing him. Not long after that when I finally mentioned we should meet up he said, and I kid you not, that he was booked up with birthday parties for the whole summer and couldn’t fit it in. I laughed and laughed at that. And that was the last I heard from him. Good riddance anyway.

If I understood men completely I’d be a millionaire as would many others. All I can say is that it’s part of the process of filtering and weeding out men to get to the 1% who might want to meet and actually pursue a real life experience with you, whether it’s a hot one night stand or walking down the aisle.

It takes patience and time. I know, lots of seemingly good guys will disappear and you might feel a twinge of “damn” but, remember, if he was mature, emotionally well rounded, and good potential he would meet you. He would step up and suggest times and places.

The guy that is real will make his intentions known and won’t let you go. Everyone else is just playing in the sandbox that is online dating and not worth your time. Cut them loose.

Dating FYI, Dating Q&A

Ghosting

I’ve been online on a couple of sites for the past six months and I notice this thing where you’re talking with a guy and things seem to be going well and then suddenly he just disappears. What’s up with that? Where did he go? Was it something I said? – Tina from Burnaby, British Columbia

Hey, Tina,

Nope. Not you at all. Not one iota. Guys do this all the time. ALL THE TIME. It’s happened to me more times than I can count. Women do it to, to be fair. People do it in general.

Online dating makes it so easy to treat people like objects rather than human beings so guys just drop off earth without a word because they can and because it’s easy…and has no drama attached to it.

I get it, I do, but it doesn’t make it any less rude or kind of hurtful almost. You think things are going well and maybe he was even flirty and super friendly in his last message. So many factors come into play when a guy does this. It’s possible he met someone else, felt you wanted more than he could give so he bailed fast. Maybe he only ever meant to text and never planned on meeting. The only person who knows why is him. I’ve had a few guys ghost on me after we’ve made plans to meet up and go on a date. Date day shows up and radio salience. Guy vanished, never to be heard from again…

But sometimes these guys DO appear again, a month later, maybe two. By then I’ve deleted the text message chain and have no idea who is texting me months later. This just happened to me. Guy was like “Hey babe!” and I’m like “Who is this?” He never answered. Guess his guy feelings were hurt lol. Fact is, he vanished and then showed up months later and I can’t be expected to remember him by his phone number. I barely remember mine sometimes haha.

Forget the ghosters.

Move on to someone who will be respectful of you and your time.

And if he shows up again? Be careful, because he’s already shown himself to you and we should believe people when they show us who they really are.

 

 

Dating Q&A

Sex on the First Date?

“My mom thinks me dating means I’m going to be sleeping around a ton. It seems  lots of people do have sex on the first date. Is this okay or should I stick to date three? I’m in my twenties.” Meghan from Calgary, Alberta

Ugh.

We need to stop thinking that sex on the first date is an indication of loose morals. Meghan, darling, if you want to have sex with a guy on the first date, you go ahead and do just that. If you’re feeling it, and he is, and the timing is right and everything is aligned, why deny yourself one of the more wonderful experiences in life? Life can be shitty as it is, so grab what awesome it sends your way.

What you do on a first date is nobody’s business. We all have are own comfort levels, so choose yours and go with it. If sex on a  first date doesn’t feel right after all, then don’t, and let your date know if it goes that way. If he bails rather than waits, then you have a clear idea as to what he wanted and where he’s at mentally regarding relationships and moving forward in any capacity. He wants sex only probably.

Sex on a first date does not mean you are “loose.”

Sex on a first date can help you both figure out if you are compatible sexually. If you can’t work it in the bedroom, then why bother moving forward? My two cents. Unless you are fine with a sexless or meh sex life. I’m not.

Sex is fun and feels good, so if a moment and opportunity shows up I say go for it and enjoy it. Unless you’re a teenager. I don’t recommend this attitude for anyone under 18.  Just be safe and practice safe sex. Other than that, fall into bed and enjoy the moment and the beauty of your bodies coming together, if even for a short, sweet time.

Dating Q&A

How to handle the “I’m submissive” question

“I started talking with this guy online and he says he likes to be submissive and have the woman take control. I’m not totally out the door because of that, but I want to know what exactly he means. Like, how far does he take this? Can I ask him to explain further?”  Tina in Oakville, Ontario

————–

Tina, you can definitely ask this guy to clarify what he means, because it could impact if you want to continue talking to him and even meeting him. Why waste valuable time going any further, yours and his, if his answer is something you aren’t comfortable with or into?

BDSM is a thing for lots of people, and it can be fun and exciting, but you have to be comfortable with it. When someone says they are submissive I think you are definitely okay asking for clarification, because who knows how far he takes this into every day life. You should know. 

I had a similar situation happen to me. Guy said he was submissive and wanted a woman who took control. I thought about this and the next day asked him what he meant. Did he mean in every area of his life? Could he make decisions or did he prefer the woman make them all? Would he make any moves and initiate at all?

He answered the questions and clarified a bit, but I could tell he had gone cold. I don’t know why because open communication is important and he was the one who dropped the “I’m submissive” thing in the first place, in the first thirty minutes of our talking.

He then messaged me and said he may not be the guy for me. I said okay, he was judging a bit fast maybe, but thanks anyway and nice talking. His reply? “Go fuck yourself.”

Huh? He’s 28 and his age showed right there that minute. Dodged an asshole bullet I think. 

Anyway, if someone offers this information up, I think you have every right to ask questions if you need to, and he can tell you to fuck off or be a proper human and engage in decent, open communication with you, because even a purely sexual relationship needs good communication between both parties.