Dating Tips, Matchmakers

Matchmaker, matchmaker

I haven’t written in forever, I know. Been busy with life and such and haven’t really had much to say on the dating front. But now I do, for an update.

I finally got a match through the matchmaker I signed up with almost three years ago as research for the dating book I wrote. Yeah, remember that shit show?

Almost THREE years later I get a match.

Honestly, that’s the worst business model I’ve ever come across. You pay upfront but get zero services for years. What?

Forget that bit; let’s talk about the “match.”

It wasn’t. Not even remotely. This guy and I were from different planets. Zero in common other than the words “editor” and “writer.” I wonder how they thought for a second we would be a match. Did they not read my “intake” form that I spent an hour writing?

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this experience with a matchmaker. The same thing happened with another boutique matchmaker I used for research years ago. She matched me with someone even less of a match (if that’s even possible, but it is) than this shop did.

So it begs the question — does matchmaking work?

I don’t think so. Maybe if you pay the 20K and have them working tirelessly to find you someone. Maybe then.

Overall, though, nothing replaces you knowing yourself, what you want and what you find desirable and attractive. End of story.

My advice? Save your money and don’t put your love life in the hands of someone else who really doesn’t know you at all — your essence, your spirit, what makes you flush and excited, feel passionate. And I mean that for all aspects of life. Words on paper are a poor version and representation of who we are in real life.

Dating’s hard. Meeting people is even harder. I get it. And even when you do date someone and go round a few months together you might find you aren’t very compatible after all. It’s fine.

Just enjoy the moment and the people in front of you right now and enjoy them for what they are: moments. Life is about impermanence and the sooner you realize that and accept it, the happier you’ll be.

Nothing is forever — even your running solo right now. Live your life and that person will appear. Or not. Whatever. Just live your life, have fun, enjoy. It’s a short ride. Don’t let someone else being in it make it good or not.

xoxo

Dating Dos and Don'ts, Feature

What Not to Do #2

I’m going to keep this brief, because really y’all should know this by now.

But apparently many of you do not.

So here it is.

When on a first date do not monopolize the conversation.

More to the point, and even worse, do not monopolize the conversation by grilling your date about the work he/she does because you are interested in breaking into that field/industry.

I work in publishing and I can’t tell you how many guys consume first date time with them grilling me on how to be a writer, how to get published… this happened to me just recently. That’s all he did for the one hour I let him have before walking us back to the parking lot so I could end the one-sided discourse.

The only question he asked me? How long have I been doing this.

Fuck you.

Dates are to learn about each other, you know, information, so you can assess if you are a match. Not to use the other person for free information about something they know that you want to know. It’s a jackass move.

Don’t be a jackass.

Be genuine, curious, share equally, ask a variety of questions… you’d think this would be the ABCs of dating we all know without having to be told, but sadly it escapes many people.

 

 

Feature

Dating After 40…

I’ve been dating for almost three years now, and it has been quite a ride. But I learned what I needed to and it’s almost worse than I thought it would be. It’s certainly different than what I remember. This is what I’ve learned:


 

Men in their thirties are FAR from ready to settle down in any capacity, I mean just even a relationship committed to one person. They are very immature and unsettled at this stage still. I think the rate at which men mature has increased whereas it used to be thirty was when they started thinking about making life commitments and growing up, it’s more like forty now (and even then…seriously).

They want open relationships, often still live with their parents or have roommates. They are still trying to “find” themselves, jumping around careers, travelling, living nomadic lifestyles, want “adrenaline and adventure.” They aren’t here to make you feel safe and loved; they are here to live life like they want and only how they want, and if you want a tiny slice of that on his terms then please feel free to tag along.

Men in their forties…they also don’t want relationships for the most part because they’ve just come out relationships (marriages mostly) and are in an exploratory phase now, where they want to try all kinds of new sexual things they couldn’t before with their wives (group sex, kinkier sex, sex clubs, swapping–you name it). They are “busy” with their kids and, oh, of course going to the cottage or away for the weekend so they aren’t ever around. But, hey, if you can meet up – where he lives, which is par for the course with most men it seems – then he’s happy to have you buy yourself a drink and then go back to his place for a quick night of mediocre sex, at best. He might say he wants a relationship, but then he backs out of it because he really just wants to sample the twenty-something goods lounging around dating sites.

So maybe it’s when we’re all fifty that we can circle back and decide to have mature, mutually beneficial, loving relationships. Or maybe not. Maybe all people want today is random, meaningless, commitment-less, flaky, when-I-want-you-only “relationships.”

Of course, this is not how all men are. But it’s a pretty good representation of what’s going on out there. So manage your expectations, ladies, and keep waiting for whatever it is you want. But if you want casual, my oh my, it’s a casual buffet out there, so eat it up and have fun. xoxoxo