Dating Tips, Matchmakers

Matchmaker, matchmaker

I haven’t written in forever, I know. Been busy with life and such and haven’t really had much to say on the dating front. But now I do, for an update.

I finally got a match through the matchmaker I signed up with almost three years ago as research for the dating book I wrote. Yeah, remember that shit show?

Almost THREE years later I get a match.

Honestly, that’s the worst business model I’ve ever come across. You pay upfront but get zero services for years. What?

Forget that bit; let’s talk about the “match.”

It wasn’t. Not even remotely. This guy and I were from different planets. Zero in common other than the words “editor” and “writer.” I wonder how they thought for a second we would be a match. Did they not read my “intake” form that I spent an hour writing?

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this experience with a matchmaker. The same thing happened with another boutique matchmaker I used for research years ago. She matched me with someone even less of a match (if that’s even possible, but it is) than this shop did.

So it begs the question — does matchmaking work?

I don’t think so. Maybe if you pay the 20K and have them working tirelessly to find you someone. Maybe then.

Overall, though, nothing replaces you knowing yourself, what you want and what you find desirable and attractive. End of story.

My advice? Save your money and don’t put your love life in the hands of someone else who really doesn’t know you at all — your essence, your spirit, what makes you flush and excited, feel passionate. And I mean that for all aspects of life. Words on paper are a poor version and representation of who we are in real life.

Dating’s hard. Meeting people is even harder. I get it. And even when you do date someone and go round a few months together you might find you aren’t very compatible after all. It’s fine.

Just enjoy the moment and the people in front of you right now and enjoy them for what they are: moments. Life is about impermanence and the sooner you realize that and accept it, the happier you’ll be.

Nothing is forever — even your running solo right now. Live your life and that person will appear. Or not. Whatever. Just live your life, have fun, enjoy. It’s a short ride. Don’t let someone else being in it make it good or not.


Dating Dos and Don'ts, Feature

What Not to Do #2

I’m going to keep this brief, because really y’all should know this by now.

But apparently many of you do not.

So here it is.

When on a first date do not monopolize the conversation.

More to the point, and even worse, do not monopolize the conversation by grilling your date about the work he/she does because you are interested in breaking into that field/industry.

I work in publishing and I can’t tell you how many guys consume first date time with them grilling me on how to be a writer, how to get published… this happened to me just recently. That’s all he did for the one hour I let him have before walking us back to the parking lot so I could end the one-sided discourse.

The only question he asked me? How long have I been doing this.

Fuck you.

Dates are to learn about each other, you know, information, so you can assess if you are a match. Not to use the other person for free information about something they know that you want to know. It’s a jackass move.

Don’t be a jackass.

Be genuine, curious, share equally, ask a variety of questions… you’d think this would be the ABCs of dating we all know without having to be told, but sadly it escapes many people.




Dating After 40…

I’ve been dating for almost three years now, and it has been quite a ride. But I learned what I needed to and it’s almost worse than I thought it would be. It’s certainly different than what I remember. This is what I’ve learned:


Men in their thirties are FAR from ready to settle down in any capacity, I mean just even a relationship committed to one person. They are very immature and unsettled at this stage still. I think the rate at which men mature has increased whereas it used to be thirty was when they started thinking about making life commitments and growing up, it’s more like forty now (and even then…seriously).

They want open relationships, often still live with their parents or have roommates. They are still trying to “find” themselves, jumping around careers, travelling, living nomadic lifestyles, want “adrenaline and adventure.” They aren’t here to make you feel safe and loved; they are here to live life like they want and only how they want, and if you want a tiny slice of that on his terms then please feel free to tag along.

Men in their forties…they also don’t want relationships for the most part because they’ve just come out relationships (marriages mostly) and are in an exploratory phase now, where they want to try all kinds of new sexual things they couldn’t before with their wives (group sex, kinkier sex, sex clubs, swapping–you name it). They are “busy” with their kids and, oh, of course going to the cottage or away for the weekend so they aren’t ever around. But, hey, if you can meet up – where he lives, which is par for the course with most men it seems – then he’s happy to have you buy yourself a drink and then go back to his place for a quick night of mediocre sex, at best. He might say he wants a relationship, but then he backs out of it because he really just wants to sample the twenty-something goods lounging around dating sites.

So maybe it’s when we’re all fifty that we can circle back and decide to have mature, mutually beneficial, loving relationships. Or maybe not. Maybe all people want today is random, meaningless, commitment-less, flaky, when-I-want-you-only “relationships.”

Of course, this is not how all men are. But it’s a pretty good representation of what’s going on out there. So manage your expectations, ladies, and keep waiting for whatever it is you want. But if you want casual, my oh my, it’s a casual buffet out there, so eat it up and have fun. xoxoxo



Dating FYI, Feature

He’s Just Not That Into You…

Dating is hard. It’s not fun a lot of the time. It’s a time suck. Seems like a waste of time some days … and I know so many women who have told me they’ve simply given up and don’t bother going online anymore because the experience is so awful. They aren’t wrong.

I’ll be the first to admit it, but it’s necessary if we want to find someone. But why does it have to be so damn hard?

And then when you get close to finding someone you might mesh with they prove themselves unworthy by doing or saying something really … offensive, dismissive, rude, obnoxious (fill in your own word).

Sometimes even if he seems interested, says he is, says nice things… he’s actually just not that into you. And this is the worst sort of guy. The guy who feels lukewarm about you, but makes you think it could be more because he’s keeping you on the back burner, where he can keep you simmering until he finds something “better” in his mind. So you’re the back up. Girl, you are nobody’s back-up plan.

So he pops in every once in a while to keep you tethered, loosely though, because remember he wants to be able to disconnect the moment he levels up (in his mind). This guy should be removed from your life immediately. You don’t need that shit. I don’t need that.

We deserve a man who knows what he wants and goes after it (you, me). A man who makes his intentions known and is clear about it. A man who shows up regularly and is consistent with his messages as to his level of interest. A man who is consistent is gold. 

So if you have a guy hanging around, showing up every now and then, minimally replying to your texts three, four, seven days later, you have a guy who is just not that into you and you deserve better than that.

A man who is interested, who IS into you, will pursue you and be around because he doesn’t want to let the beauty that is you go. He knows your worth and sees value in who you are and wants to be part of that in some way. A man who is interested does not take days to reply to a message.

Dr. Blumberg explains in this Mirror article why some people take ages to text back, while others are keen, and why some play games.

Bottom line: If he’s into you he will make sure you know and won’t keep you guessing. He will show up. If he’s not really that into you, he won’t message and be available, or like the example above, he’ll keep you tethered until something he feels is better comes along, and then at *that* point he will cut you loose. Kick this guy to the curb. And then walk over that debris to get to the man who will appreciate everything you have to offer.

Find a man who is into you and give him your attention not these others.



Dating FYI, Feature

The Third Date & What It Means…

Men are confusing, I’ll give you that. I shake my head all the time wondering wtf just happened.

But this is simple: the three-stage dating rule and the assumptions you can make based on behaviour.

Dating is a way for us to get to know someone and decide if we want to spend more time with this person. It’s like interviewing for the role of mate, whatever version of that rings true for you.

Date #1: This determines if the person is hygienic, a weird/psycho, properly socialized, polite, and generally tells us firsthand info about the person in front of us. If a man likes what he sees, he will ask for date #2 right out of the gate. But if he uses the word “should” as in “We should do this again” then, my friend, date #2 will likely not happen. That is passive language. Men go after what they want, though I am finding men today are rather beta and passive (across all ages), and want women to do much of the pursuing and legwork, which is causing a lot of crossed/mixed wires (at least for me!), and making books like The Rules even more inaccurate.

Date #2: If you actually get to date #2, bravo. It means the interview session went well and you both liked what you saw. So this date is to confirm what you thought on date #1 and to gather more information, because we all know guards come down incrementally and their “real” personality–not the one we put on with first encounters–will come through more.

Date #3: Way to go! A third date means you are both pleased with what you see and hear and are really interested. It usually means you’re on the way to exclusivity on some level and are properly dating now.

So if you get a third date, know it means something and is a very, very positive sign.


Casual Sex

I went on a coffee “date” recently with a guy who’s 45. I figured cool, someone not young and immature, and likely wants to to date and take time to get to know someone in a real way. Younger guys are without a doubt “in it to hit it.” And I’m not into that. So we had coffee for an hour at a local place and well, as he said, he took the oxygen out of the place because he talked the whole time. He asked one question about me, what I do, and the rest was about him.

I read somewhere, I think Psychology Today, that if a man spends more time talking about himself on a date then he does asking questions about you and letting you do most of the talking it means he isn’t all that into you.

That piece of info has stuck with me and I’m not certain it is overly accurate. Unless no guy I have ever been on a date with has ever been interested in me, because seriously they all talk about themselves pretty much exclusively and fail to ask about me.

My ex-husband did all the talking on our first date and we went the distance for a while, so this “he’s not into you” theory if he doesn’t ask about you is something I’m still exploring.

Okay back to my date. At the 55 minute mark he says, “Well, it was really nice meeting you, but I do have to go because I have some groceries in the car that I need to get home.”

Fuck. How lame is that? That’s when I knew I’d never hear from this guy again and he was making his polite exit. So I said sure, and we walked out. He says, “I’d walk you to your car, but I’m parked right here and yeah I gotta get going.”

Who says chivalry is dead? Sweet jesus.

So I wrote him off as I walked to my car feeling sad because it seems finding someone to connect with is going to take a lot of work and effort. Maybe I never will. This is the point in the chick lit/flick where our sweet heroine realizes she may be alone longer than she thought and decides it’s fine and who needs a man anyway. Bring out the Jameson and chips!

So I get home and check the site just to see if he did message and lo and behold he did. “It was great meeting you tonight. Thanks for coming out. How do you feel about casual sex?”

And there it was: I’m not good enough or interesting enough to maybe get to know as  a person, but would I mind if he borrowed my vagina every so often? Fucking hell. I just find this so insulting. I am more than a vessel for you to shove your dick in, asshole. Casual sex is basically saying exactly that: forget you as a person and just give me your holes for my pleasure. I’m insulted. I haven’t replied.

Casual sex is so easy and lame and impersonal. And cliche. But here’s the dilemma: I know that men look for sex and find love. I’ve seen it happen with other men who wanted to just fuck me, they said they weren’t looking for a relationship, I said no thanks, then months later they are in a relationship. WTF? Look for sex, find love.

As I said in my book, that leaves women with one option: lay the welcome mat out at our vaginas and hope that one of these flings turns into something more. When I realized this over a year ago now I decided it wasn’t for me and I wouldn’t play this stupid game. If a man can’t be cognizant enough to know what he wants and just falls into vaginas and then relationships, then he’s not for me.

Dating today is sad as are the men playing in this field. But women fuck easily so men know they can get laid fast, quick, and any time without having any strings, even the string of simply getting to know another human being on a real level.

Image credit: alex-holyoake-60249-unsplash
Book Release

Dating book killed the dating life

Well, this is interesting. I never quite considered this fallout, but it seems men are totally freaked out by a woman having written a book about dating. Who knew.

As though they are all interesting enough to be written about. Oy, the ego! So that’s what happens when you put yourself out there. Men flee and treat you like a pariah. I guess this is the case for any non-fiction writer who writes about life around them, their experiences, what they see.

Oh well. It’ll be the strong man who has enough confidence to know I’m a writer and it doesn’t mean he will be written about. There are the few who think it’s cool and even offer me stories for my next book.

I like that guy.

He’s super cool and confident and knows it’s not about him.

And there is no next book. I don’t think. Though I am tossing around the idea of doing one co-authored with a male friend of mine on how men and women relate to each other in relationships/date/romance/sex. We’ll see. How much more undateable do I want to make myself lol

Anyway, if you want to date me know I wrote this book, but it doesn’t mean I’m taking notes on every guy I date. It might make a Twitter post as a brief observation, but for the most part 98% of the men I have met and dated are entirely forgettable. Like massively so lol.