Dating Q&A

When He Deletes His Profile Before You Exchange Numbers…

online-dating

I met someone on Plenty Of Fish. We got along well and the conversation was good. We clicked right away because we work in the same field, which gave us lots to talk about. The attraction was there, online at least. We made plans to meet on Friday evening to go for a walk. Today he deleted his account and we never exchanged contact information. What gives? Janis from Toronto

Janis, this is a case of men behaving badly, though I’ve heard that women do this too.

So why did he do it? Because he isn’t really interested in meeting up with anyone. He was online to chat and get some matches, kill some time. His expectations were very different  than yours when he signed up.

He wasn’t there to find someone to actually date like you probably are. He was there to pass the time. And when it got too real, like actually meeting, he bailed and deleted his entire account.

I’ve had guys do that then a week later they are back in my swipe feed. It’s a pattern for these guys. And these are the guys you don’t want to date anyway. I know it feels unfortunate right now, but it’s a blessing in disguise.

Weed out the guys now who aren’t here for real so you can focus your time and energy on the guys who actually do want to meet you, get to know you, and–oh my god!– maybe even date.

The D word has become what the R word once was, and few men actually want to date for real these days. Just move on and keep swiping! xoxo

Dating FYI, Feature

Catfishing: It’s real

Finding love online comes with risks.

But you probably already know this. I damn well hope so anyway. If not, consider yourself warned.

If you haven’t tried online dating yet or are rather new to it, then you won’t be thinking that you have to watch out for the fakes and cons and scam artists. But you very much do have to.

Not everyone is who they appear to be online. I feel silly for even typing that out because I think it would be common knowledge. But it isn’t. They made a show based on people’s naivety and Dr. Phil *still* has women going on his show thinking they’ve found love and a loved one wrote in to Phil begging him to help their family member see the truth about the “love of their life.” It’s sad. And these women lose tens of thousands of dollars because they didn’t stop to think for a minute.

I have swiped on quite a few catfishers in my almost two years online. Nobody got the better of me though because I literally read every website and article I could on this once I got wind of what was going on. I armed myself with knowledge and you should too.

I talk a lot about this in my upcoming book, so I’ll keep this short here.

If a guy seems too good to be real, he is 99.9% of the time.

If he asks for money and starts calling you baby and love almost right away, he’s likely a scammer from Nigeria (where a large portion of these scams take place).

If he says he’s in the military and can’t get away yet unless you help him with funds for a variety of reasons, he’s likely a scammer. Military romance scams are the fastest growing and largest online dating romance scam going on. Read this website for how to protect yourself: http://www.cid.army.mil/romancescam.html 

No guy will start professing his love for you and tell you he wants a soulmate and wants to marry you within a few weeks of getting to know you. Think about it: Men don’t talk or act like that!! We can barely get them to agree to go on a friggin’ date lol or be monogamous. That’s a typical guy, not the guy saying he wants the heart of his heart and love of his love … within a week.

These scammers play on your heart strings. They KNOW you are lonely and want love and will likely pay to keep it. So he gives a sob story about needing money in hopes your love for him is strong enough to have you send it to him. DO NOT.

Run his image through a Google image search or https://tineye.com  to see if his image pops up elsewhere online. If no matches come up, MAYBE this guy is for real. Maybe. Dig around. Check Facebook, verify facts he gives you. If he’s vague, beware.

No matter what, don’t send these guys a fucking dime.

Check out www.scambusters.org and www.datingbusters.com and http://www.yourittoday.com/scammers.php to read stories and see if the guy you’re dealing with sounds familiar in these other women’s stories. You will fast learn what their MO is and how they operate and then use your head, not your heart, to determine if you’re being catfished or not.

 

 

Dating Dos and Don'ts, Feature

Online Dating Dos #1

Use current pictures.

I think the number one concern men AND women share is that the person they meet won’t look like the pictures they used online.

I’ve had this happen to me a few times and needless to say it is disappointing and you feel…cheated, lied to. And essentially you were.

Use recent pics that show what you look like, today. Not ten years ago when your hair was longer and you were twenty pounds lighter. Be honest about who you are today because that is the person the man will meet … and expect.

If he sees you look different from what you presented as you today, chances are good he will walk away before your first meeting is up, or you won’t hear from him again, simply because you lied, and, really, how can he trust you going forward?

You will want the same from the men you date. But they will lie and conceal too. That doesn’t mean you should start a relationship based on a lie and half truth because men might do it to you.

So I say it again…

Use current pictures.

Dating Q&A

What’s With the Classification Info?

Why do women think guys give a shit about BriggsMeyers classification? Are we supposed to know what those stupid letters mean and think some antiquated/limited test is going to set off some internal sensor? Like…wow…JBTF…what a catch. Maybe if it was BBBJ …now that’s a lady! – Anonymous, from the Beaches (in Toronto)

Hey, Anonymous!

Yes, well this isn’t only peculiar to women. Men also have their Myers-Brigg Type on their profiles. I thought it was suspect and odd myself the first few times I saw it. It even took me a bit to finally realize what in hell they were referring to.

It’s odd to say the least, because imagine in the real world throwing that into conversation when you first meet someone. I’d walk away lol. Weirdo. This stuff is really best saved for job interviews and employment purposes (and even then I don’t agree with it).

But for mating/dating purposes? It’s crackers. And pretentious.

It seems to scream “Look at me! Look what I know!” I agree with you – who gives a fuck. It doesn’t mean this person will be funny, and kind, and sensitive, and good in bed, and emotionally mature, and insert whatever awesome you need from a partner. It just means they fall into a psychological category developed by Katherine Cook Briggs in the early 1900s. It is no predictor of compatibility. Or that she/he won’t ghost or cheat on you.

You need to actually date and get to know the person for who they are to sort all that stuff out.

So why do women and men add this? Because they lack creativity, have nothing much more to say, and figure you can read all about them by knowing their type…and want to show off that they know this psychological stuff that I am to assume is meant to impress you.

Over coffee on a date it’s fun to talk about silly stuff like this, as it is to mention astrological signs, but beyond that it has no merit and won’t help determine anything. I guess it’ll help them match with other Briggs types and perhaps that’s what they want.

 

Dating FYI, Feature

When He Still Has An Active Profile…

So you’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, months now, and you find out he still has an active profile on his dating site (or sites). You don’t know how to feel about this, but you do know you’re angry and confused, and wondering how serious he is about you after all.

There are two responses to this and they are based on your level of commitment to each other.

You are in an actual relationship and have had the exclusivity talk. 

If this is the case, then you have a right to be upset and confused because this guy, your boyfriend, has committed to an exclusive relationship with you and you only. Unless you discussed being in an open relationship, you are totally correct in assuming you’d be the only one he focuses on. So finding out he’s still online chatting with other women is upsetting and I’d be pissed off too.

What do you do? Well, this is where it gets tricky. How did you find out about him being online and chatting with other women? Were you snooping and spying on him? If so, you are totally screwed because by confronting him about his online infidelity you are admitting to having had trust issues from the get-go

(with reason too it seems) and this is going to upset him. No one likes being tracked and spied on.

So you need to bring the topic up casually. “Hey, have you closed all your online dating accounts? I did that last week when realized I had one still open. I’m sure you have. I just wanted you to know I’m not online anymore.” That kind of thing is what you say. Then see how he responds. Does he say, oh yeah I’m off or good point I should. Maybe he will actually say he’s still online. If he lies to your face and says he isn’t, then you now have two red flags with this guy: he’s still seeing other women (or at least talking to them) while in a relationship with you and he just lied to you straight up. You might want to reconsider being with this guy.

You could fess up and say you know he’s still online and see how that goes.

You could wait it out a few months then ask him again and then just tell him you know damn well he still is.

Either way, this guy is not commitment ready and you should know this going in. Stick around if you want, but he’s not all that into you and is just biding his time till he finds someone that suits him better. Why else would he still be online? He’s pursuing, other women, that aren’t you.

You are not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. 

This answer is easy and short: he owes you nothing and he can totally still be online chatting and meeting other women. Unless you have had some kind of conversation that squarely places you as the only one he is seeing and he says so clearly, then it’s fair game. For you too!!

Keep dating other men. Don’t quit once you find someone you are seeing casually. You are allowed to date a few guys at once. They did it in the 50s so I think we can damn well do it today lol. How else will you know what you like, want, need?

Until a conversation is had regarding exclusivity, it’s fair game for both sides. He isn’t doing anything wrong being online while dating you.

 

Dating Q&A

When it just sits there…

I’ve been online for a year now and I’ve noticed a terrible trend among men and was wondering what your thoughts are on this. I spend time getting to know a guy messaging and whatnot and we seem to have a connection and it’s going well. But then two weeks becomes three and then four. Some weeks he’s hot and heavy texting me all the time and another week I may hear from him once, and if I text to start a conversation he might reply with a one line reply  but not move the conversation forward any more than that. I go online to actually meet guys so something can come of it. Aren’t we online to meet people in person? I just don’t see the point of texting endlessly and having it go nowhere. What do I do with these guys? – Martine from Gatineau, Quebec

This made me laugh and then shake my head with a sigh.

Men are very good at doing this, but so are women from what I hear. So people are good at doing this.

Men and women go online for varying reasons, and I have to say that actually dating and meeting people isn’t exactly the top reason they put profiles up on dating sites. From my experience, it seems men like to go online for a number of reasons, and dating is the last. Here’s what I’ve come up with for why men (women? people in general?) go online:

  1. They are bored.
  2. They want to see how many matches they can get.
  3. Their friends made them (for real).
  4. They are lonely, but don’t really want to put the effort into meeting in real life.
  5. They are horny and want to sext to whack off (HUGE reason men go online). It allows them an unemotional, unattached way to get off.
  6. To meet someone to date.

Most men I’ve talked to online end up fading out or ghosting because they are there for some reason between #s 1 and 5, and once they sort out I am there for #6 they vanish.

I had one guy recently tell me he was super busy planning for a trip to another part of Canada and that he’d touch base when he got back. Okayyyy, because they don’t have cell reception in other parts of Canada? The minute I read “touch base” I knew this guy was removing himself from the game. All he did was talk sex anyway, so I must have given off #6 vibes and he removed himself from the equation.

Another time a few months ago a guy and I were chatting for three weeks and it was going really well. Fun, flirty all that good stuff. I told him I didn’t want to sext because it was better to do these things in real life. I was testing him. Not long after that when I finally mentioned we should meet up he said, and I kid you not, that he was booked up with birthday parties for the whole summer and couldn’t fit it in. I laughed and laughed at that. And that was the last I heard from him. Good riddance anyway.

If I understood men completely I’d be a millionaire as would many others. All I can say is that it’s part of the process of filtering and weeding out men to get to the 1% who might want to meet and actually pursue a real life experience with you, whether it’s a hot one night stand or walking down the aisle.

It takes patience and time. I know, lots of seemingly good guys will disappear and you might feel a twinge of “damn” but, remember, if he was mature, emotionally well rounded, and good potential he would meet you. He would step up and suggest times and places.

The guy that is real will make his intentions known and won’t let you go. Everyone else is just playing in the sandbox that is online dating and not worth your time. Cut them loose.

Dating FYI

Dating Fatigue

Dating fatigue?

Huh?

It’s a real thing. Dating can be exhausting, and it is exhausting. When you date regularly, and are constantly messaging and meeting with men, it gets tiring after a while because a lot of the time it leads nowhere, or the conversations are mundane or pervy, and you’re getting all dressed up to meet for coffee or drinks only to discover there is zero chemistry and you kinda would have preferred to stay home in your PJs watching Netflix alone.

Don’t get me wrong. There are times you will meet with someone and it’s a nice hour of chatting and being out, but you know it won’t go anywhere because there’s just nothing there to pursue anything more. Dating is a great way to meet new people, socialize, get out there…but, really, at the end of it all we date to mate, on whatever level we want (sex, love, marriage etc.).

Even men get dating fatigue and take themselves off the market for a bit. And so should you if you just feel like it’s a chore after a while. Dating should be fun. If it is no longer fun and more like work, pull yourself out of the game for a bit.

I know many dating “experts” say not to do this because if you don’t date you won’t mate, but what’s the point if you’re tired and your best won’t be put forward? Who knows, maybe this break is when you’ll meet someone while grocery shopping or standing in line at the pharmacy. Like those couples who get pregnant a month after trying so hard for years. All I know is if you aren’t feeling it, stop and take a break until you have your mojo back. Yeah, mojo lol.

You don’t have to delete your profiles; simply stop them from showing up in searches. Easy. Now you can just focus on you for a bit, relax, eat good food, read a book, walk, do yoga, whatever you want all without having to worry about men and dating and when you’ll find the one you click with. It’ll happen. It just might take some time. In the meantime, focus on you. You’re awesome company, so take a minute to hang with yourself for a bit.