Feature

The Ugly Side of Men and Online Dating

I’ve been bullied before, I know how this goes. Sad but true. 

I don’t want to scare you off from online dating, but this needs to be said.

I recently deleted a guy from Tinder because he asked me for pics I wasn’t comfortable sending and then after I didn’t reply to that he sent another message asking if I liked to suck big hard dicks. I deleted him after that message because I don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour and it’s not the conversation I choose to have. I’m looking for something real.

He obviously found me through Instagram that I had connected to Tinder to show potential matches a bit about myself. BAD IDEA, girls. It allows the unhinged and nasty men know who you are if you delete them or don’t behave how they think you should.

He left this message for me on my blog after I deleted him. I never said an unkind word to him, just deleted him when I realized we had different ideas about what we wanted from online dating. This is a direct copy and paste. I cannot make this up.

“aletha you obese UGLY FACE disgusting sad cunt, you wish you looked like this girl on your website, sad pathetic loser still single and will be forever no sane man will ever gf you fat obese ugly cow, feel sorry for your ex and father of ur son who im sure u scammed into having a child ugly bitch”

So…online dating yay or nay?

Yay because this is only the second time a man has been this volatile and nasty to me. I’m a bit shaken up. It’s actually shocking, his message. Some men can’t handle rejection, and Sam is one of those men. I dodged a bullet and his true colours have definitely surfaced.

Online dating works, but you have to be careful. I made the mistake of linking up my Instagram, which could lead to me… and did. And on Instagram I had my blog website listed. I have deleted that for now from Instagram.

We live in a world where we have the opportunity to connect with many people, and that’s exciting, but that opportunity is often abused by others, like Sam. Having a book come out like the one I wrote puts me in a vulnerable position and I am keenly aware of this.

And I’m nervous.

I am fully expecting the trolls to come out and say I’m fat and ugly (because trolls are like that) and haven’t found a man yet because of all that blah blah  blah.

I haven’t “found” a man yet because I haven’t been ready for that up until now, not truly. I’ve been busy achieving my goals and being with an important person–me. Someone I lost along the way in marriage and kids and all the bullshit domesticated “bliss” comes with.

My worth and value as a fucking human being has nothing to do with who I choose to sleep with, date, or love. But our society still puts that on us. 

People will slag my book, my experiences, my idea for the book, how I look, what I say…all of it. I know this, because people are sometimes ugly inside and want to demean others for fun. I’ve been bullied before, I know how this goes.

But will it stop me or make me feel bad about myself?

No.

You can’t touch me, you can’t get in here. Not Sam or any of the other men like him who feel it’s okay to do what he just did to me because his fragile male ego is bruised from my deleting him.

I’m just sorry you feel that this is the way to treat people. That makes me endlessly sad.

Feature

Kissing Strangers: How to Online Date Like a Boss

Exciting news!

My book (the digital file for now) is up for pre-orders on Amazon!

I spent two years writing and polishing this guide. It’s a passion project if there ever was one. Here’s the buy link: https://tinyurl.com/y925drc3

This guide will help you navigate the strange world of online dating…I promise!

Thank you in advance for your support!

Alethea xoxoxoxo

Dating Q&A, Feature

Is Online Dating Worth It?

I’m a busy woman with a career. Divorced a few years ago. I know people who have gone online to find dates, but I’m just not sure it’s worth the trouble.Lina from Boston

I find it surprising to hear women still say this and ask themselves this very question. But I know the stats so I guess that’s the difference. 1 in 3 people meet online today and that number is growing by the year. The other 2/3 meet at work or church (or some other place of religious congregation), and through networking via friends and family.

If you don’t have a huge circle and don’t go to church, then really the chances of you meeting someone are very slim if you don’t go online.

Being online doesn’t take that much work beyond setting up a profile and that might take thirty minutes tops, longer I suppose if writing your profile is hard for you. But you can hire a professional writer such as myself to do that.

As a woman, the costs are minimal and often free because there are more women to men ratio. You could decide to spend as much time as you want online. Message with only those men who are clear matches.

Honestly, if you can’t invest a couple hours a week on your love life, if that’s something you truly want to have, then I don’t know what to tell you. He’s not going to show up at your door, that much I do know.

You need to be PROACTIVE not PASSIVE. So run that risk of being alone if you want or saddle up and join the online dating world. I don’t see there as being much of a choice today.

Not being online is a mistake if you are truly looking to meet a man. It’s how people meet today, and if you aren’t participating you’ve literally taken yourself out of the game before it’s even started.

 

Dating FYI, Feature

Where Is Everybody? 1 in 3 People Meet Online Today

Meeting someone in real life today is incredibly difficult. Why? Because we are all on our phones, behind one screen or another, which has made it difficult for people to meet the old fashioned way – in person, in real life.

I asked a matchmaker this question and she agrees.* I’d love for a guy to come up to me and hand me his number saying we should go for coffee sometime, but apparently this likely won’t ever happen, according to  my expert.

Why? Because men are afraid we will think they are stalking us, pervy, or creeps. And I guess to some extent this might be true. Which is kind of sad because online dating has its pitfalls, to be sure, and makes it hard to determine if you would like to go on a date or meet up with someone.

If you meet a man or woman in person say at a coffee shop or the grocery store, you know instantly if there’s chemistry or a desire to at least sit down and see if there’s chemistry. When it’s just a face on a screen with a picture that could very well be five years old, it’s almost impossible to know if you will click with this person. So a lot more trial and error and EFFORT happens when meeting people online.

Remember, 1 in 3 people meet online now, with that number increasing to 1 in 2 within the next decade. If you aren’t online, you’re missing out on meeting someone.

Yes, still try to meet people through activities and in real life. Network at church or whatever religious place of worship you visit, and through connections with friends and family (the top two ways people meet their future mates, followed by online), but if you don’t attend a place of worship and have a limited network, then you need to go online.

If all else fails, try sitting at a bar and having a drink somewhere like another dating expert suggests as the best way to meet someone. I don’t think it works, but give it a go. And report back if it does!

*The full response can be found in my book, coming out soon.
Dating FYI, Feature

Catfishing: It’s real

Finding love online comes with risks.

But you probably already know this. I damn well hope so anyway. If not, consider yourself warned.

If you haven’t tried online dating yet or are rather new to it, then you won’t be thinking that you have to watch out for the fakes and cons and scam artists. But you very much do have to.

Not everyone is who they appear to be online. I feel silly for even typing that out because I think it would be common knowledge. But it isn’t. They made a show based on people’s naivety and Dr. Phil *still* has women going on his show thinking they’ve found love and a loved one wrote in to Phil begging him to help their family member see the truth about the “love of their life.” It’s sad. And these women lose tens of thousands of dollars because they didn’t stop to think for a minute.

I have swiped on quite a few catfishers in my almost two years online. Nobody got the better of me though because I literally read every website and article I could on this once I got wind of what was going on. I armed myself with knowledge and you should too.

I talk a lot about this in my upcoming book, so I’ll keep this short here.

If a guy seems too good to be real, he is 99.9% of the time.

If he asks for money and starts calling you baby and love almost right away, he’s likely a scammer from Nigeria (where a large portion of these scams take place).

If he says he’s in the military and can’t get away yet unless you help him with funds for a variety of reasons, he’s likely a scammer. Military romance scams are the fastest growing and largest online dating romance scam going on. Read this website for how to protect yourself: http://www.cid.army.mil/romancescam.html 

No guy will start professing his love for you and tell you he wants a soulmate and wants to marry you within a few weeks of getting to know you. Think about it: Men don’t talk or act like that!! We can barely get them to agree to go on a friggin’ date lol or be monogamous. That’s a typical guy, not the guy saying he wants the heart of his heart and love of his love … within a week.

These scammers play on your heart strings. They KNOW you are lonely and want love and will likely pay to keep it. So he gives a sob story about needing money in hopes your love for him is strong enough to have you send it to him. DO NOT.

Run his image through a Google image search or https://tineye.com  to see if his image pops up elsewhere online. If no matches come up, MAYBE this guy is for real. Maybe. Dig around. Check Facebook, verify facts he gives you. If he’s vague, beware.

No matter what, don’t send these guys a fucking dime.

Check out www.scambusters.org and www.datingbusters.com and http://www.yourittoday.com/scammers.php to read stories and see if the guy you’re dealing with sounds familiar in these other women’s stories. You will fast learn what their MO is and how they operate and then use your head, not your heart, to determine if you’re being catfished or not.

 

 

Dating Dos and Don'ts, Feature

Online Dating Dos #1

Use current pictures.

I think the number one concern men AND women share is that the person they meet won’t look like the pictures they used online.

I’ve had this happen to me a few times and needless to say it is disappointing and you feel…cheated, lied to. And essentially you were.

Use recent pics that show what you look like, today. Not ten years ago when your hair was longer and you were twenty pounds lighter. Be honest about who you are today because that is the person the man will meet … and expect.

If he sees you look different from what you presented as you today, chances are good he will walk away before your first meeting is up, or you won’t hear from him again, simply because you lied, and, really, how can he trust you going forward?

You will want the same from the men you date. But they will lie and conceal too. That doesn’t mean you should start a relationship based on a lie and half truth because men might do it to you.

So I say it again…

Use current pictures.

Dating FYI, Feature

When He Still Has An Active Profile…

So you’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, months now, and you find out he still has an active profile on his dating site (or sites). You don’t know how to feel about this, but you do know you’re angry and confused, and wondering how serious he is about you after all.

There are two responses to this and they are based on your level of commitment to each other.

You are in an actual relationship and have had the exclusivity talk. 

If this is the case, then you have a right to be upset and confused because this guy, your boyfriend, has committed to an exclusive relationship with you and you only. Unless you discussed being in an open relationship, you are totally correct in assuming you’d be the only one he focuses on. So finding out he’s still online chatting with other women is upsetting and I’d be pissed off too.

What do you do? Well, this is where it gets tricky. How did you find out about him being online and chatting with other women? Were you snooping and spying on him? If so, you are totally screwed because by confronting him about his online infidelity you are admitting to having had trust issues from the get-go

(with reason too it seems) and this is going to upset him. No one likes being tracked and spied on.

So you need to bring the topic up casually. “Hey, have you closed all your online dating accounts? I did that last week when realized I had one still open. I’m sure you have. I just wanted you to know I’m not online anymore.” That kind of thing is what you say. Then see how he responds. Does he say, oh yeah I’m off or good point I should. Maybe he will actually say he’s still online. If he lies to your face and says he isn’t, then you now have two red flags with this guy: he’s still seeing other women (or at least talking to them) while in a relationship with you and he just lied to you straight up. You might want to reconsider being with this guy.

You could fess up and say you know he’s still online and see how that goes.

You could wait it out a few months then ask him again and then just tell him you know damn well he still is.

Either way, this guy is not commitment ready and you should know this going in. Stick around if you want, but he’s not all that into you and is just biding his time till he finds someone that suits him better. Why else would he still be online? He’s pursuing, other women, that aren’t you.

You are not in an exclusive relationship with this guy. 

This answer is easy and short: he owes you nothing and he can totally still be online chatting and meeting other women. Unless you have had some kind of conversation that squarely places you as the only one he is seeing and he says so clearly, then it’s fair game. For you too!!

Keep dating other men. Don’t quit once you find someone you are seeing casually. You are allowed to date a few guys at once. They did it in the 50s so I think we can damn well do it today lol. How else will you know what you like, want, need?

Until a conversation is had regarding exclusivity, it’s fair game for both sides. He isn’t doing anything wrong being online while dating you.