Dating Dos and Don'ts, Feature

What Not to Do #2

I’m going to keep this brief, because really y’all should know this by now.

But apparently many of you do not.

So here it is.

When on a first date do not monopolize the conversation.

More to the point, and even worse, do not monopolize the conversation by grilling your date about the work he/she does because you are interested in breaking into that field/industry.

I work in publishing and I can’t tell you how many guys consume first date time with them grilling me on how to be a writer, how to get published… this happened to me just recently. That’s all he did for the one hour I let him have before walking us back to the parking lot so I could end the one-sided discourse.

The only question he asked me? How long have I been doing this.

Fuck you.

Dates are to learn about each other, you know, information, so you can assess if you are a match. Not to use the other person for free information about something they know that you want to know. It’s a jackass move.

Don’t be a jackass.

Be genuine, curious, share equally, ask a variety of questions… you’d think this would be the ABCs of dating we all know without having to be told, but sadly it escapes many people.

 

 

Dating FYI, Feature

He’s Just Not That Into You…

Dating is hard. It’s not fun a lot of the time. It’s a time suck. Seems like a waste of time some days … and I know so many women who have told me they’ve simply given up and don’t bother going online anymore because the experience is so awful. They aren’t wrong.

I’ll be the first to admit it, but it’s necessary if we want to find someone. But why does it have to be so damn hard?

And then when you get close to finding someone you might mesh with they prove themselves unworthy by doing or saying something really … offensive, dismissive, rude, obnoxious (fill in your own word).

Sometimes even if he seems interested, says he is, says nice things… he’s actually just not that into you. And this is the worst sort of guy. The guy who feels lukewarm about you, but makes you think it could be more because he’s keeping you on the back burner, where he can keep you simmering until he finds something “better” in his mind. So you’re the back up. Girl, you are nobody’s back-up plan.

So he pops in every once in a while to keep you tethered, loosely though, because remember he wants to be able to disconnect the moment he levels up (in his mind). This guy should be removed from your life immediately. You don’t need that shit. I don’t need that.

We deserve a man who knows what he wants and goes after it (you, me). A man who makes his intentions known and is clear about it. A man who shows up regularly and is consistent with his messages as to his level of interest. A man who is consistent is gold. 

So if you have a guy hanging around, showing up every now and then, minimally replying to your texts three, four, seven days later, you have a guy who is just not that into you and you deserve better than that.

A man who is interested, who IS into you, will pursue you and be around because he doesn’t want to let the beauty that is you go. He knows your worth and sees value in who you are and wants to be part of that in some way. A man who is interested does not take days to reply to a message.

Dr. Blumberg explains in this Mirror article why some people take ages to text back, while others are keen, and why some play games. https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/sex-relationships/relationships/you-longer-takes-someone-reply-8617498.

Bottom line: If he’s into you he will make sure you know and won’t keep you guessing. He will show up. If he’s not really that into you, he won’t message and be available, or like the example above, he’ll keep you tethered until something he feels is better comes along, and then at *that* point he will cut you loose. Kick this guy to the curb. And then walk over that debris to get to the man who will appreciate everything you have to offer.

Find a man who is into you and give him your attention not these others.

 

 

Dating FYI, Feature

The Third Date & What It Means…

Men are confusing, I’ll give you that. I shake my head all the time wondering wtf just happened.

But this is simple: the three-stage dating rule and the assumptions you can make based on behaviour.

Dating is a way for us to get to know someone and decide if we want to spend more time with this person. It’s like interviewing for the role of mate, whatever version of that rings true for you.

Date #1: This determines if the person is hygienic, a weird/psycho, properly socialized, polite, and generally tells us firsthand info about the person in front of us. If a man likes what he sees, he will ask for date #2 right out of the gate. But if he uses the word “should” as in “We should do this again” then, my friend, date #2 will likely not happen. That is passive language. Men go after what they want, though I am finding men today are rather beta and passive (across all ages), and want women to do much of the pursuing and legwork, which is causing a lot of crossed/mixed wires (at least for me!), and making books like The Rules even more inaccurate.

Date #2: If you actually get to date #2, bravo. It means the interview session went well and you both liked what you saw. So this date is to confirm what you thought on date #1 and to gather more information, because we all know guards come down incrementally and their “real” personality–not the one we put on with first encounters–will come through more.

Date #3: Way to go! A third date means you are both pleased with what you see and hear and are really interested. It usually means you’re on the way to exclusivity on some level and are properly dating now.

So if you get a third date, know it means something and is a very, very positive sign.

Feature

Casual Sex

I went on a coffee “date” recently with a guy who’s 45. I figured cool, someone not young and immature, and likely wants to to date and take time to get to know someone in a real way. Younger guys are without a doubt “in it to hit it.” And I’m not into that. So we had coffee for an hour at a local place and well, as he said, he took the oxygen out of the place because he talked the whole time. He asked one question about me, what I do, and the rest was about him.

I read somewhere, I think Psychology Today, that if a man spends more time talking about himself on a date then he does asking questions about you and letting you do most of the talking it means he isn’t all that into you.

That piece of info has stuck with me and I’m not certain it is overly accurate. Unless no guy I have ever been on a date with has ever been interested in me, because seriously they all talk about themselves pretty much exclusively and fail to ask about me.

My ex-husband did all the talking on our first date and we went the distance for a while, so this “he’s not into you” theory if he doesn’t ask about you is something I’m still exploring.

Okay back to my date. At the 55 minute mark he says, “Well, it was really nice meeting you, but I do have to go because I have some groceries in the car that I need to get home.”

Fuck. How lame is that? That’s when I knew I’d never hear from this guy again and he was making his polite exit. So I said sure, and we walked out. He says, “I’d walk you to your car, but I’m parked right here and yeah I gotta get going.”

Who says chivalry is dead? Sweet jesus.

So I wrote him off as I walked to my car feeling sad because it seems finding someone to connect with is going to take a lot of work and effort. Maybe I never will. This is the point in the chick lit/flick where our sweet heroine realizes she may be alone longer than she thought and decides it’s fine and who needs a man anyway. Bring out the Jameson and chips!

So I get home and check the site just to see if he did message and lo and behold he did. “It was great meeting you tonight. Thanks for coming out. How do you feel about casual sex?”

And there it was: I’m not good enough or interesting enough to maybe get to know as  a person, but would I mind if he borrowed my vagina every so often? Fucking hell. I just find this so insulting. I am more than a vessel for you to shove your dick in, asshole. Casual sex is basically saying exactly that: forget you as a person and just give me your holes for my pleasure. I’m insulted. I haven’t replied.

Casual sex is so easy and lame and impersonal. And cliche. But here’s the dilemma: I know that men look for sex and find love. I’ve seen it happen with other men who wanted to just fuck me, they said they weren’t looking for a relationship, I said no thanks, then months later they are in a relationship. WTF? Look for sex, find love.

As I said in my book, that leaves women with one option: lay the welcome mat out at our vaginas and hope that one of these flings turns into something more. When I realized this over a year ago now I decided it wasn’t for me and I wouldn’t play this stupid game. If a man can’t be cognizant enough to know what he wants and just falls into vaginas and then relationships, then he’s not for me.

Dating today is sad as are the men playing in this field. But women fuck easily so men know they can get laid fast, quick, and any time without having any strings, even the string of simply getting to know another human being on a real level.

Image credit: alex-holyoake-60249-unsplash
Feature

First Dates Gone…Who the Fuck Knows!

First dates/meets can be awkward, especially if the person sitting in front of you is not what you expected. Online dating is basically blind dating because there is only so much you can tell from a picture and some text messages, and that random phone call if the guy you’ve matched with actually believes in using the phone.

I went on a date recently with a guy I’d been messaging with for a few weeks. It should never really go that long before the first meet, it’s like one of my first rules in online dating, but life being what it is sometimes meeting sooner is just not possible. I wasn’t 100% sure if this guy was someone I’d be attracted to, but he was intelligent and he knew how to make conversation and there were enough yes points to make me stay with it and see it through to the meet.

Well, it was one of those rare situations where I was delighted and he turned out to be better than I had anticipated. He was tall, good looking, had a great smile… the date lasted three hours and that was three hours of constant laughing and conversation. No breaks. That’s SUPPOSED to be a major check mark in favour of the situation on any first date. We parted ways after the date, no hug or kiss goodnight though. Hm. Not a good sign.

Then when I got home I broke one of the dating “rules” and texted him first. So many experts say not to text a guy first, let him approach you if he wants to message. If he doesn’t message within 48 hours then it’s a no go.

Screw it, I thought. I had a great time and really enjoyed his company and wanted to make sure he knew that. So I did. And the smile I’d been wearing all the way home quickly left my face with a “Well, fuck” when I received his response one minute later: “It was fun. Have a great trip out west.”

Oh. no. Not the “It was fun” line. That is always the line of death for any future interactions with a man you just had a date with. They say this to be polite and to nicely extract themselves from the situation.

So I’m left here confused because all the “signals” seemed to be on track to a good first date with chance of a second. Oh, wait. I also thought this because he said “let’s do this again and I’ll take you out and we’ll hang out.”

As a person on planet earth, how am I not to think that means the date went well and he wants to see me again?

Manspeak is frustrating. Men OFTEN will say “let’s do this again” when they don’t mean it. So really, we have no way of gauging how a date went by how a man acts or by what he says. Which is fucked up. All we can do is wait that 48 hours to see if he messages again because that is the only indication of true interest we will get.

I wish people could be more honest and upfront. Seriously, if you don’t want to do this again don’t fucking say you do. If I don’t want to see YOU again I’m sure as hell not going to say I do.

Feature

The Ugly Side of Men and Online Dating

I’ve been bullied before, I know how this goes. Sad but true. 

I don’t want to scare you off from online dating, but this needs to be said.

I recently deleted a guy from Tinder because he asked me for pics I wasn’t comfortable sending and then after I didn’t reply to that he sent another message asking if I liked to suck big hard dicks. I deleted him after that message because I don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour and it’s not the conversation I choose to have. I’m looking for something real.

He obviously found me through Instagram that I had connected to Tinder to show potential matches a bit about myself. BAD IDEA, girls. It allows the unhinged and nasty men know who you are if you delete them or don’t behave how they think you should.

He left this message for me on my blog after I deleted him. I never said an unkind word to him, just deleted him when I realized we had different ideas about what we wanted from online dating. This is a direct copy and paste. I cannot make this up.

“aletha you obese UGLY FACE disgusting sad cunt, you wish you looked like this girl on your website, sad pathetic loser still single and will be forever no sane man will ever gf you fat obese ugly cow, feel sorry for your ex and father of ur son who im sure u scammed into having a child ugly bitch”

So…online dating yay or nay?

Yay because this is only the second time a man has been this volatile and nasty to me. I’m a bit shaken up. It’s actually shocking, his message. Some men can’t handle rejection, and Sam is one of those men. I dodged a bullet and his true colours have definitely surfaced.

Online dating works, but you have to be careful. I made the mistake of linking up my Instagram, which could lead to me… and did. And on Instagram I had my blog website listed. I have deleted that for now from Instagram.

We live in a world where we have the opportunity to connect with many people, and that’s exciting, but that opportunity is often abused by others, like Sam. Having a book come out like the one I wrote puts me in a vulnerable position and I am keenly aware of this.

And I’m nervous.

I am fully expecting the trolls to come out and say I’m fat and ugly (because trolls are like that) and haven’t found a man yet because of all that blah blah  blah.

I haven’t “found” a man yet because I haven’t been ready for that up until now, not truly. I’ve been busy achieving my goals and being with an important person–me. Someone I lost along the way in marriage and kids and all the bullshit domesticated “bliss” comes with.

My worth and value as a fucking human being has nothing to do with who I choose to sleep with, date, or love. But our society still puts that on us. 

People will slag my book, my experiences, my idea for the book, how I look, what I say…all of it. I know this, because people are sometimes ugly inside and want to demean others for fun. I’ve been bullied before, I know how this goes.

But will it stop me or make me feel bad about myself?

No.

You can’t touch me, you can’t get in here. Not Sam or any of the other men like him who feel it’s okay to do what he just did to me because his fragile male ego is bruised from my deleting him.

I’m just sorry you feel that this is the way to treat people. That makes me endlessly sad.

Dating Q&A, Feature

Is Online Dating Worth It?

I’m a busy woman with a career. Divorced a few years ago. I know people who have gone online to find dates, but I’m just not sure it’s worth the trouble.Lina from Boston

I find it surprising to hear women still say this and ask themselves this very question. But I know the stats so I guess that’s the difference. 1 in 3 people meet online today and that number is growing by the year. The other 2/3 meet at work or church (or some other place of religious congregation), and through networking via friends and family.

If you don’t have a huge circle and don’t go to church, then really the chances of you meeting someone are very slim if you don’t go online.

Being online doesn’t take that much work beyond setting up a profile and that might take thirty minutes tops, longer I suppose if writing your profile is hard for you. But you can hire a professional writer such as myself to do that.

As a woman, the costs are minimal and often free because there are more women to men ratio. You could decide to spend as much time as you want online. Message with only those men who are clear matches.

Honestly, if you can’t invest a couple hours a week on your love life, if that’s something you truly want to have, then I don’t know what to tell you. He’s not going to show up at your door, that much I do know.

You need to be PROACTIVE not PASSIVE. So run that risk of being alone if you want or saddle up and join the online dating world. I don’t see there as being much of a choice today.

Not being online is a mistake if you are truly looking to meet a man. It’s how people meet today, and if you aren’t participating you’ve literally taken yourself out of the game before it’s even started.

Image credit: jean-philippe-delberghe-324898-unsplash